Of God, life, love and MCAT scores from Ampfing.

There is one question that has been reverberating in my mind for quite some time. It simply asks,

What is God to you? Well,

God to me is an empty room. 

All the walls are blue and the ceiling is white.

There is a wooden floor and I'm sitting right in the middle of it. Hugging my knees and waiting.

Waiting for God to show up. But he never does. 

Sometimes a little cloud invades this room. It is faint and temporary, much like Berndnaut Smilde's fantastic display of clouds inside of rooms.

That little cloud is my tiny little glimpse of God's presence in this room. 

Sometimes it seems that He is coming, almost as if I can hear his footsteps rounding the corner into this room. And sometimes he feels so far away, I feel as if I've forgotten that he was coming at all. And sometimes all I get is a fleeting cloud. 

I think I could walk away from this room and take one of two different paths and finally find some peace of mind. But something keeps me here, in this room. Here, where nothing resolves. 

Because as crazy as it is I keep waiting for God to show up. I keep waiting for the time when all will be made right. I used to pray to understand all that I cannot understand. I used to pray for Him to show up, for me to see Him in the ordinary or extraordinary. 

Some people might say that my eyes have been closed, but I feel as if they have never been this wide open. I'm looking for him anywhere and everywhere. Don't get me wrong, because I do catch glimpses here and there, but my soul is not satisfied. I want resolution, I crave it. More than anything else in this world I want this. 

I think I keep myself in this room, because after all of this I still have faith in Him. Maybe my faith might be conditional, but maybe only because I hope that He is bigger than that. I keep myself in this room, because I know, that someday it will resolve. But I need to be here now, in order for that to happen. I need to be here now to encounter the pain, the struggle, the plurality of this world. 

So here I sit in this now not so empty room, maybe it is filling, at least temporarily. But that's the beauty of it all.