You Hold Me Now.

Now, I’m officially done with my freshmen year. And honestly, I don’t feel like I conquered it. Or like I came out knowing exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Actually, I came out more confused. With mediocre grades, which kills me. More than it should. I’ve finally started to work for something in my life, and it just seems like it wasn’t worth it. But you know what-in all of this, God is holding me. His hope never fades. My hopes, my dreams here, may fade, but His-they never do. He’s holding me, through all of this. He knows exactly what He has for me. And He’s holding me now-in this struggle, in this shame, in the fear of the future. He’s here. And He promises so much. And I want to give that even through this for my heart to give God all the glory, without Him I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have gained one iota of knowledge. And it may hurt, to see that maybe what I thought was my calling wasn’t. But you know what the most beautiful thing about God is-that what He has for us is so much greater so much better. Everything and more. In Him there’s hope, a hope that never fades. He holds me through all of this. He holds us in our suffering, in our failures, in everything we once thought so important, in everything. In everything my heart will give Him the glory He deserves. I surrender. Help my unsurrender.

Create in me a heart that's clean. Clothe me in robes of righteousness. Search me, know me. Try me and see.

God is great. That doesn't even begin to describe this amazing God we serve.
One more exam and freshmen year will be behind me. And all I can think to do is thank God. He has done so much in this year. He has taught me so much. So much about Himself. About trust. and Surrendering. And through the hard times, through the sleepless nights and days-His quiet, still whisper was resonating in the wind, in the air, in the paths all around me. He wrapped His arms of love around me, in my pain, when I thought I was done with all of this. His plans are so great. And though I may not know them-I find such beauty in that very fact. Even. EVEN if that means that I won't be a doctor. But you know what? That doesn't even matter. Because His plans are greater than anything I could want or desire. And His love, oh it's better than life. And that's all I need. All I want. He's all I want. He's gotten me so far. And even though sleepless nights are to follow-I choose to trust in His unfailing love. And wait upon His name, as He teaches me what waiting on Him looks like. And resonating the song, "Search Me, Know Me."-Jonah 33, all I am asking for is that You cleanse me, Lord. For Him to come into my life and make me whole and pure for Him and Him alone. To remove any worthless affection for anything but Him. And I choose to bring all of my life before Him. And continue in this daily beautiful surrender. God is so good. And my lips will praise Him.
On Thursday-I will be on my way to the beach. Oh God is good.
And His timing-ahh-well, it's perfect.