And I fear what I've done, means I've lost what I love.

Today in church we learned about God and how involved He is with us. Day in and day out. He spoke of how in American culture, you just gravitate towards a deistic point of view. I would argue, that it happens in many cultures, and not one person is exempt. Especially when you go through routine-filled days, in and out. Doing similar if not the same things every day, every week, every month, every year-all your life. You cease to see a difference, and you are caught up by this routine. And you don't see God as a personal, completely involved in your life-God. You cease to believe in miracles. You begin to see more things as impossible. Graduating, passing the LSATS, MCATS, getting into Law School, getting a job, getting into Med School, restoring a marriage, restoring your own life, ceasing to let the anger control you. Things you now see as unreachable, unattainable.
He also spoke on how we begin to see God as behind this fence, that we can't get to and He won't approach us.
But how wrong have we been, how wrong have I been. All the things I see as impossible are more than possible to Him! The pastor told a story of how when he was young, the pastor of his church gave the people of his congregation silk roses for them to take home and to put somewhere they can see them. That rose would symbolize an impossible prayer to God, and when God answered the prayer they would bring it back to the church and put it into this designated place for them. He told of how day by day, bit by bit, year by year the place started to be filled with roses. What a marvelous God we have! He is so faithful. And still we doubt. I doubt every day, about my future. My dreams. Of going to Africa. I question, and it's as if I'm almost waiting for Him to snatch those dreams from me. It's almost as if I'm expecting it. But how could I believe that God would give me this passion for something just to snatch it away? And still I do. So, I will say it again-how wrong have I been! My heart just aches from my lack of trust, from my fear of my Savior. Our Savior. He conquered death for us. That's the greatest act of love anyone could ever give. So I will continue to pray. For trust. For love. So that I don't fear this God, who only wants good things for me. For belief. In His power. He is the God of the impossibles, because He did the impossible. He died and rose again.
I believe. O, help my unbelief. I surrender.

Crucified to Set us Free.

A necklace. After much hugging and embracing she pulled me aside and gave me a necklace. A beautiful necklace, with a coral stone. This was no ordinary gift. After two months of volunteering at the red cross. I came out of it with so much. Today was my last day. And it reminded me that just two months ago, I would have come and sat down and listened to this doctor's life and love story. That she would pour out her heart and her feelings, as tell me of her adventures with Doctors Without Borders in South Africa, Bolivia and by mistake in Ecuador. She would tell me that that mistake would have led her to her husband.
 This was a wonderful woman. She was so cute and so clueless sometimes, and I think that is why she needed Jessica, the other volunteer, and I to help her out.
We sorted through boxes and boxes of medicine; typed blood, did inventory and soon the three of us became friends.
My heart ached for this wonderful doctor, this pediatrician-who in more ways than one was still a kid at heart herself. We joked around when we finally got internet in the office, and we checked all her unread e-mails, most of which were forwards, that lead to one story or another about her life. God blessed me so much through this woman, through this opportunity. For two weeks, we saw kids from a Home. These were children that had been beaten, raped, or worse. And it was those very events that had made them cognitively impaired, and yet they kept a happy smile on their face. The worst was when I had to write out the HIV test order for five of them. But this doctor had such compassion, she poured her life into these kids. And when we found out that one of them needed "un TAC Cerebral" (CAT scan) , she immediately said that she would find a way to pay for it, so they wouldn't have to pay the high cost. So today, as we all said our goodbyes. I was surprised, and I shouldn't have been-that she would give me such a beautiful gift. They were the ones who were being kind to me by allowing me to work with them. I didn't deserve it.

And in many ways, it reminded me of God and His gift of grace to us. We did nothing to deserve it. He made us out of nothing, He gave us life. Gave us hope. Gave us never failing, never ending love. What did we do to deserve it? That's what is so beautiful about grace. I don't deserve an inch of this, but He still gives it to me-fully and lovingly.I could never say thank you enough. For everything. The wonders say His name, the skies shout out His beauty, the rain whispers His grace, and the storm makes everything new again.

"Every day, again I'll choose.

there is no one else for me, none but Jesus."

Isaiah 30:18-26

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous.In that day your livestock will graze in large pastures, and the oxen and the donkeys that work the ground will eat seasoned fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. And on every lofty mountain and every high hill there will be brooks running with water, in the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the LORD binds up the brokenness of his people, and heals the wounds inflicted by his blow.

Do you not perceive it?

My heart has craved adventure for as long as I can remember. I never really know what kindof an adventure I want, because it's so different from the people closest to me. Like my best friend-she is possibly the most adventurer girl I know, and yet our idea and our approach to adventure is really different. Or a another friend, her idea of adventure is settling down and having one place to call home. It's one of the things that has honestly frustrated me about being back home, I feel like there's such a lack of adventure here for me. Day in and day out-things are the same. I seem to tack it on the hustle and bustle of a city life. But last Sunday I was struck with the great reality that Trusting God will probably be the greatest adventure I will ever take. Because it's scary and thrilling all at the same time. Trusting Him whole heartedly. And I haven't, because it's hard. And so I've been fighting, fighting with those around me, fighting in my head with people who are five thousand miles away, or in a nearby country. But what I never really realized, is that I have been really fighting with God,even though I cried surrender, I really
wasn't surrendering, I still held on so tight to the reins. Refusing to let go. I had lost all hope of a future. I had taken things into my own hands and failed. I had failed miserably, and lost all hope. Hope in our creator. Our God is a God of hope, and I had just really I had lost hope. I was a hopeless individual walking around the halls of classes, and libraries without hope. But a human being without Hope, without God who is Hope, is not really living. It starts to become shuffle and a miserable existence.
But God whispers to the deep within our hearts, to our sin, to our selfishness, to our pride:
"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and the rivers of the desert."-Is. 43:19
We may think we can't do it. It's too hard, we failed. But nothing, NOTHING is impossible for Him.
He knows.
"'For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord, 'Plans for good and not to harm you, to give you a FUTURE and a Hope.'"-Jer. 29:11

So Trusting Him-may scare me and thrill me. But I am willing to do it. And I may not go out and save lives and heal wounds, but I am embarking in the greatest adventure of all. To Trust God wholeheartedly and to lay my pride down. And to stop fighting with Him. To Trust in Him and his never failing love and his never ending promises. And maybe my soul will now resonate with Paul in Philippians 4:12-13
"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need, I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me."
So from a busy city, Hope and Adventure are found in the greatest Love of all. As I lay down my pride, and my anger at His feet. And finally surrender to these great rivers of adventure He offers. To give you a Future and a Hope.

You Hold Me Now.

Now, I’m officially done with my freshmen year. And honestly, I don’t feel like I conquered it. Or like I came out knowing exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Actually, I came out more confused. With mediocre grades, which kills me. More than it should. I’ve finally started to work for something in my life, and it just seems like it wasn’t worth it. But you know what-in all of this, God is holding me. His hope never fades. My hopes, my dreams here, may fade, but His-they never do. He’s holding me, through all of this. He knows exactly what He has for me. And He’s holding me now-in this struggle, in this shame, in the fear of the future. He’s here. And He promises so much. And I want to give that even through this for my heart to give God all the glory, without Him I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have gained one iota of knowledge. And it may hurt, to see that maybe what I thought was my calling wasn’t. But you know what the most beautiful thing about God is-that what He has for us is so much greater so much better. Everything and more. In Him there’s hope, a hope that never fades. He holds me through all of this. He holds us in our suffering, in our failures, in everything we once thought so important, in everything. In everything my heart will give Him the glory He deserves. I surrender. Help my unsurrender.

Create in me a heart that's clean. Clothe me in robes of righteousness. Search me, know me. Try me and see.

God is great. That doesn't even begin to describe this amazing God we serve.
One more exam and freshmen year will be behind me. And all I can think to do is thank God. He has done so much in this year. He has taught me so much. So much about Himself. About trust. and Surrendering. And through the hard times, through the sleepless nights and days-His quiet, still whisper was resonating in the wind, in the air, in the paths all around me. He wrapped His arms of love around me, in my pain, when I thought I was done with all of this. His plans are so great. And though I may not know them-I find such beauty in that very fact. Even. EVEN if that means that I won't be a doctor. But you know what? That doesn't even matter. Because His plans are greater than anything I could want or desire. And His love, oh it's better than life. And that's all I need. All I want. He's all I want. He's gotten me so far. And even though sleepless nights are to follow-I choose to trust in His unfailing love. And wait upon His name, as He teaches me what waiting on Him looks like. And resonating the song, "Search Me, Know Me."-Jonah 33, all I am asking for is that You cleanse me, Lord. For Him to come into my life and make me whole and pure for Him and Him alone. To remove any worthless affection for anything but Him. And I choose to bring all of my life before Him. And continue in this daily beautiful surrender. God is so good. And my lips will praise Him.
On Thursday-I will be on my way to the beach. Oh God is good.
And His timing-ahh-well, it's perfect.

You've been remade. I've been remade. I've been given new life.

In one second-it could all slip away. I was able to experience this just last night. As I worked on paper after having my passion marred by my biology advisor-I decided to go on a drive. And I drove far away. So far away from Calvin. Later that night I decided to go out again, until my sister called me and asked me to go and get her so we could both go out on a drive. And so I drove the car around and made my way back to Calvin-where I waited as she got in the car. We didn't have a heading I just drove and kept driving. It was around 10:37 p.m. when I thought maybe we should turn around and go back. So we made a right turn and soon I saw a gas station that had let me know earlier in the afternoon that we were headed the wrong direction. So I knew that I would just turn around and head back on the road. It all happened so fast. I didn't notice the red blinking light in front of me-I assumed it was yellow. And I also assumed the car coming in the opposite direction would just stop-and it was too late when I realized that he wasn't going to. Before I could stop this from happening-he hit us and we went flying and flipped around twice. I didn't stop screaming until the car stopped and we were upside down.
To say the least it was tramautic. The impact of it all is still fresh in my mind. And I'm not going to drive for a really long time. But amidst it all I've learned one thing God is good. And He is so good. No matter our mistakes-no matter the pain. He is good and He loves me. He has given me life-He was there through the entire thing. And He has blessed me with wonderful people, like Rachel Elaine to help me get through these things. To give me laughter and joy when things looked so bleak.
God is great. We might be bruised and broken-but He is here. Here in the sorrow, here in the joy. And He has remade us. Because He makes all things new again. And so my soul sings-praises to His wonderful name. And I'm thankful for everything, I mean everything. God is good to me.
And His glory appears like the light from the Sun. My soul sings His praises.
Holy is the Lord. My soul cries out for He is my rescue and shelter.

We look to Yahweh. Yahweh.

Today our pastor spoke on the series we will dig into deeper in the coming six weeks. It's about an undivided heart. And I was just struck by the purity that there is an undivided heart completely devoted to God. Our pastor talked about Solomon, to whom the gift of wisdom was granted. And that it was a tool that God gave him, and like he did with Solomon God gives us tools. Maybe not in grandeur as palpable as Solomon's gift was-but maybe we're not looking close enough.
The intelligence to be good in school-is a gift of God. A compassionate heart for the people around you is a gift of God. The ability to write beautiful poetry, swift feet that dance beautifully to the music are all gifts from God. Gifts He has granted us-tools. But as we may know-Solomon's biggest weakness was women. And these women were what pulled him down. And he used his gifts-his money, his wisdom to praise other false gods.
You see these tools were given to him, to us-to fulfill God's beautiful purposes, not our own. The very tools we use to fulfill our own agendas are the very tools we were to use for God's kingdom. And when we use our abilities-our intelligence, our musical skills to fulfill our own agenda's rather than to further God's kingdom we drift away from God and more to ourselves. When you use the beauty God has given you to get your way-you drift. When we use our singing voices for the fame of it all-we drift. And I don't know about you, but I don't really want to drift into myself. There's sin in me-there's darkness. And without Him-it's even worse. But I want to work to go to God. I want to remain in Him. And lead my boat to Him.
So amidst the conflicts, the pressure in school, the assignments, the papers, the tests, amidst it all. I want to look to God. Not to myself but to Him. And to use EVERYTHING He has given me for Him. Instead of being caught up in my lack of focus, in myself and things that will come to pass. I want to look to God. Look past myself and use my oar and look to Him as He leads me in this great river of life. As I rest in His streams of Peace. In His plans, not my own. In HIS time-not my own. I look to Yahweh.
We look to God. We look to Yahweh.

Cuando más Te busco, más Te encuentro. Cuando más Te encuentro, más Te AMO.

This perfect love that drives out fear. Many times, I've been scared. Scared of His love. Scared of the surrender of what He will do. I'm scared He will take my dreams away.
I'm learning to trust in His unfailing perfect love that drives out this fear and to
surrender my dreams-of becoming a doctor, of going to Africa, of being a missionary-to Him. Whatever it is He wants for my life. He knows best. Even if the prospect of what's next shakes my foundations-scares me to the core. I surrender.
ALL I AM TO HIM, FOREVER.
He will lead me. And His perfect Love has driven out my fears.
I melt in His peace.

So let them fall down-there's freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it
to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock
it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in
that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will
change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable
-C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis was a very intelligent man, and here he is talking to those afraid to love, afraid to get hurt-afraid to risk for love. I don't think he was solely referring to the love between two people, I think he was also referring to Love between God and Yourself.
You see, there is something downright frightening about love. The thought that someone will come in and break through the walls that you have been putting up and see everything that's inside-the dirt, the sin, the bad-and the risk that as that person does that they could turn around at any minute and say, "No. That's not for me," that thought shakes the foundation of your very being. And even if that person decides to stay and accept all you've got-what if you can't deal with it anymore? What if later on they realize that it really wasn't for them? All these what ifs creep into you're thoughts and your left just saying no. No to love.And this is exactly what C.S. Lewis is saying-he's voicing those fears he's telling you that in order for you not to fear and not be vulnerable just seal your heart up. Just close it off to everything. That it will be safe, and in that dark place it will become hardened, irredeemable. Irredeemable. And so he ends, simply: To love is to be vulnerable.
In first John 4:18-it speaks of that fear. That fear of love that we have. It says:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.

This is where I think C.S. Lewis was referring to God. There is nothing to fear. Because God's love-it's unconditional. It's everlasting. It is not depending on what you have behind those walls-because He has already seen past those walls. He saw where you were wounded, He saw where you fear you will be hurt. He saw you build those walls up, and He wept. He wept for you-and Your broken heart. His love is like the wind-you can't see it but you can feel it. It wraps around You. Wraps around those walls-and is slowly whispering to you to bring them down. To go brick by brick and tear the wall down. He is the God who sees You. His Love is everlasting. When you open your heart to His love-His love that won't hurt you, that will only heal you. That perfect love. It's perfect. Nothing on earth compares with His love. No love. No one. His perfect love covers you-and it drives out your fear.
So there's two choices. Wrap your heart, keep it, hide it-and let it become irredeemable. Or come to the greatest Lover of all. And let HIS perfect love drive out your fear. Open your heart to love. To the REAL LOVE.

Oh Your LOVE is a symphony-all AROUND me. Running through Me.

On a side note-I'm beginning to dislike red backpacks and tall blond men.

Blessed are the pure in heart; for they will see God.
-Matthew 5:8

Purity. What does purity even look like in our lives? I feel like last week, purity-was a recurring theme. Something God wanted me to grasp and experience. Last week at Evensong, all the songs had something to do with purity, and it was emphasized when the leader said, "Remember, purity is not something you have-it's something only God can give you." But what is this purity that will allow us to see God?
As I looked up the definition for purity-I came across with a lot of "freedom from impurity, freedom from guilt, abstinence, innocence, free from taint or pollution," and those are a few of the many definitions. But the word freedom-just surprised me. Freedom is what we all yearn from. How could purity free us?

Purity is not about being sinless before God so you can see Him-but rather it is about desiring to be pure in your thoughts, words and actions. And we can only be made pure through God-through the great Purifier. It's about having those thoughts, word and actions adhere to God. It's about having God be your One and Only-the core of your very being and desire. Then God draws near to you.-and as you set your eyes on Him you are made pure.
I don't know about you, but I just want to be pure. So wholly and perfectly pure for my savior. To please Him. To remove thoughts/hungers for the things I shouldn't hunger and instead desire for God and clearing and cleaning my thoughts and setting Him as the Only thing worth living and having. Because without Him I am truly nothing and I have nothing. But in Him I am made whole-I am made pure, no matter what I've done or who I have become. He can take my thoughts, my mind, my actions and set it up on Him-and reveal Himself to me.
We waste so much of our time thinking of things we shouldn't, doing things we shouldn't-but the beauty of our Savior is that he doesn't condemn us. He has His arms wide open inviting us to take a sip of The Purity we all very much desire. It's not easy. It's hard toil, giving up the things of this world-saying no to our flesh, it takes dedication. But His everlasting Love is there to help us along the way. To carry us out of the pit of sin and into His loving arms where we are made pure through Him.

Psalms 51:9-10

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

You know what I need-Your Love is strong.

Love is something so powerful. I do believe that love can change the world completely around, I believe it because I've seen it. First of, I should mention that the day of celebrating Love is coming up. But we've got it all wrong. Saint Valentines were people who were martyred in Rome. Many Valentines were martyred for believing in God. For giving up their lives to serve His name. For refusing to conform to the pattern of this world and therefore transforming it in their whole surrender. It was something beautiful, something pure. Something wonderful. I do remember, my AP English teacher talking about Saint Valentine-a man who died for God. It's all gotten pretty skewed right? Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic. My stomach drops when I see chick-flicks, and I wish I could swoon to a dashing man coming to my rescue. Nevertheless, I've seen love-true love-change the world completely around. And so have all of us. It's all around us. Two thousand years ago-a man who was desperately in love-breathtakingly, painstakingly in love died for that very same love. It was the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate gift-Love. He died for Love-and in that process gave Love. Two thousand years ago-a man named Jesus of Nazarene died for you and me. He died for a sinful world. For a world full of selfishness, greed and lust. He died for all the things you do wrong. He died for all the things you keep hidden from everyone-He died so that you wouldn't have to. He died-because He loves You. No matter where you come from, no matter what you did and what you will do, His love for you will never diminish not even one iota. His love for You is endless. He is Love. He is the Love that is spoken of in 1 Cor. 13. He is that Love. His love changed the world forever-It changed our fate, our destiny-our punishment. He did, for us. So on Sunday, February the 14th-I won't beat myself up for being single and "unpursued". Because the Lover of all times-the Ultimate Pursuer is pursuing me. He loves me. More than anyone ever could and more than anyone ever will. But not just me. He loves you too. He loves every inch of you.
Will you let him in?
Will you open yourself up to an unfathomable Love?
Will you care to be pursued?
By the perfect Love that never fails.


[1 Cor. 13: 1-8a]

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

To see the questions in your head. Leave a light on in the dark-to let somebody in.

I can’t help feeling the calling. The calling from

the cabins. From the forests laden with snow. I can hear it.

It’s not a destiny calling-it’s more of

desire calling.

I picture myself being holed up in a lovely house with the man I love.

And just being in love-enjoying the company, and feeling at home. The

half-frozen river that came in and tore the trees apart and covered their roots and

their souls and stayed at its height-frozen in place-calls too. And I see the black and the

green, and your dreams. I see the bike and you and me. Do you know I could live in the country with you

forever? And I just wish it all fit in. But at the same time-I’m only thinking of me,

and my desires. It would be pure bliss, it would be so beautiful. But I don’t think it would be my purpose. So when I ask if there’s anyone who could wait 12 years, what I’m really asking is if there’s anyone who is willing to give up that life. Because if I’m not living for God I’d rather not live at all. And as someone wise said, I rather have God hijack my plans of adventure or of my love. I rather have Him lead me. Whether that leads away or to love. If his perfect love is with me-then the rest just fades in the background.

That I would not lose my way-when I was astray.

Well-this might be late. But I don't care. 2009. Man it was-tough. To say the least. It hurt like never before. It was the worst time ever, the best time ever. It taught me so much. And I also experienced things I never wanted to. It hurt like hell. 2009. Oh wow. I thought I could date. I wanted to-then I realized I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I could fall in love. Soon, to my greatest dismay and to my future self's relief, found out that there was no one to fall in love with. I learned and loved to play guitar, like I never had before. Now it's one of my greatest escape-to play blissfully away praising God. It's the only time I can escape Calvin College-without actually having to leave the country. I grew closer to my best friend-and she became my best friend. I cried in front of my friends. Maybe for the first time ever. I went to college-and man, it was rough. I learned that "independence" and strength are very different things. Nevertheless, it made me truly strong. I loved Godlike no other. And I lost my love for Him. I felt the most alone I've ever felt. Misunderstood. Neglected. I was vulnerable. I was dead wrong. I felt like old dried up bones. I met new people. I was judged-and I learned the power of my own judgement. I got a roommate that is so different from me. And I was blessed by difference.
2009.
Here and gone.
But although it sounds like it was bad, and don't get me wrong, it was. But-strangely, I'm thankful. Thankful mostly to God-for 2009. For EVERYTHING, and I mean everything that happened. You always know better. Even though I lost my way. You were never gone.
To 2010. Wow. That's so weird to write. Here it goes. I'm starting this year off right. With God. Restoring my love for Him. And making it real. Because when you're really in love-no matter what, no matter when-that kind of love doesn't fade. May my love for You never fade. Teach me to rekindle it. To declare. DECLARE. Your word. And your love. Thankyou. You whispered life back into these dried bones-put flesh on them and restored me back to life. Thankyou.