You Hold Me Now.

Now, I’m officially done with my freshmen year. And honestly, I don’t feel like I conquered it. Or like I came out knowing exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Actually, I came out more confused. With mediocre grades, which kills me. More than it should. I’ve finally started to work for something in my life, and it just seems like it wasn’t worth it. But you know what-in all of this, God is holding me. His hope never fades. My hopes, my dreams here, may fade, but His-they never do. He’s holding me, through all of this. He knows exactly what He has for me. And He’s holding me now-in this struggle, in this shame, in the fear of the future. He’s here. And He promises so much. And I want to give that even through this for my heart to give God all the glory, without Him I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have gained one iota of knowledge. And it may hurt, to see that maybe what I thought was my calling wasn’t. But you know what the most beautiful thing about God is-that what He has for us is so much greater so much better. Everything and more. In Him there’s hope, a hope that never fades. He holds me through all of this. He holds us in our suffering, in our failures, in everything we once thought so important, in everything. In everything my heart will give Him the glory He deserves. I surrender. Help my unsurrender.

Create in me a heart that's clean. Clothe me in robes of righteousness. Search me, know me. Try me and see.

God is great. That doesn't even begin to describe this amazing God we serve.
One more exam and freshmen year will be behind me. And all I can think to do is thank God. He has done so much in this year. He has taught me so much. So much about Himself. About trust. and Surrendering. And through the hard times, through the sleepless nights and days-His quiet, still whisper was resonating in the wind, in the air, in the paths all around me. He wrapped His arms of love around me, in my pain, when I thought I was done with all of this. His plans are so great. And though I may not know them-I find such beauty in that very fact. Even. EVEN if that means that I won't be a doctor. But you know what? That doesn't even matter. Because His plans are greater than anything I could want or desire. And His love, oh it's better than life. And that's all I need. All I want. He's all I want. He's gotten me so far. And even though sleepless nights are to follow-I choose to trust in His unfailing love. And wait upon His name, as He teaches me what waiting on Him looks like. And resonating the song, "Search Me, Know Me."-Jonah 33, all I am asking for is that You cleanse me, Lord. For Him to come into my life and make me whole and pure for Him and Him alone. To remove any worthless affection for anything but Him. And I choose to bring all of my life before Him. And continue in this daily beautiful surrender. God is so good. And my lips will praise Him.
On Thursday-I will be on my way to the beach. Oh God is good.
And His timing-ahh-well, it's perfect.

You've been remade. I've been remade. I've been given new life.

In one second-it could all slip away. I was able to experience this just last night. As I worked on paper after having my passion marred by my biology advisor-I decided to go on a drive. And I drove far away. So far away from Calvin. Later that night I decided to go out again, until my sister called me and asked me to go and get her so we could both go out on a drive. And so I drove the car around and made my way back to Calvin-where I waited as she got in the car. We didn't have a heading I just drove and kept driving. It was around 10:37 p.m. when I thought maybe we should turn around and go back. So we made a right turn and soon I saw a gas station that had let me know earlier in the afternoon that we were headed the wrong direction. So I knew that I would just turn around and head back on the road. It all happened so fast. I didn't notice the red blinking light in front of me-I assumed it was yellow. And I also assumed the car coming in the opposite direction would just stop-and it was too late when I realized that he wasn't going to. Before I could stop this from happening-he hit us and we went flying and flipped around twice. I didn't stop screaming until the car stopped and we were upside down.
To say the least it was tramautic. The impact of it all is still fresh in my mind. And I'm not going to drive for a really long time. But amidst it all I've learned one thing God is good. And He is so good. No matter our mistakes-no matter the pain. He is good and He loves me. He has given me life-He was there through the entire thing. And He has blessed me with wonderful people, like Rachel Elaine to help me get through these things. To give me laughter and joy when things looked so bleak.
God is great. We might be bruised and broken-but He is here. Here in the sorrow, here in the joy. And He has remade us. Because He makes all things new again. And so my soul sings-praises to His wonderful name. And I'm thankful for everything, I mean everything. God is good to me.
And His glory appears like the light from the Sun. My soul sings His praises.
Holy is the Lord. My soul cries out for He is my rescue and shelter.

We look to Yahweh. Yahweh.

Today our pastor spoke on the series we will dig into deeper in the coming six weeks. It's about an undivided heart. And I was just struck by the purity that there is an undivided heart completely devoted to God. Our pastor talked about Solomon, to whom the gift of wisdom was granted. And that it was a tool that God gave him, and like he did with Solomon God gives us tools. Maybe not in grandeur as palpable as Solomon's gift was-but maybe we're not looking close enough.
The intelligence to be good in school-is a gift of God. A compassionate heart for the people around you is a gift of God. The ability to write beautiful poetry, swift feet that dance beautifully to the music are all gifts from God. Gifts He has granted us-tools. But as we may know-Solomon's biggest weakness was women. And these women were what pulled him down. And he used his gifts-his money, his wisdom to praise other false gods.
You see these tools were given to him, to us-to fulfill God's beautiful purposes, not our own. The very tools we use to fulfill our own agendas are the very tools we were to use for God's kingdom. And when we use our abilities-our intelligence, our musical skills to fulfill our own agenda's rather than to further God's kingdom we drift away from God and more to ourselves. When you use the beauty God has given you to get your way-you drift. When we use our singing voices for the fame of it all-we drift. And I don't know about you, but I don't really want to drift into myself. There's sin in me-there's darkness. And without Him-it's even worse. But I want to work to go to God. I want to remain in Him. And lead my boat to Him.
So amidst the conflicts, the pressure in school, the assignments, the papers, the tests, amidst it all. I want to look to God. Not to myself but to Him. And to use EVERYTHING He has given me for Him. Instead of being caught up in my lack of focus, in myself and things that will come to pass. I want to look to God. Look past myself and use my oar and look to Him as He leads me in this great river of life. As I rest in His streams of Peace. In His plans, not my own. In HIS time-not my own. I look to Yahweh.
We look to God. We look to Yahweh.

Cuando más Te busco, más Te encuentro. Cuando más Te encuentro, más Te AMO.

This perfect love that drives out fear. Many times, I've been scared. Scared of His love. Scared of the surrender of what He will do. I'm scared He will take my dreams away.
I'm learning to trust in His unfailing perfect love that drives out this fear and to
surrender my dreams-of becoming a doctor, of going to Africa, of being a missionary-to Him. Whatever it is He wants for my life. He knows best. Even if the prospect of what's next shakes my foundations-scares me to the core. I surrender.
ALL I AM TO HIM, FOREVER.
He will lead me. And His perfect Love has driven out my fears.
I melt in His peace.

So let them fall down-there's freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it
to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock
it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in
that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will
change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable
-C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis was a very intelligent man, and here he is talking to those afraid to love, afraid to get hurt-afraid to risk for love. I don't think he was solely referring to the love between two people, I think he was also referring to Love between God and Yourself.
You see, there is something downright frightening about love. The thought that someone will come in and break through the walls that you have been putting up and see everything that's inside-the dirt, the sin, the bad-and the risk that as that person does that they could turn around at any minute and say, "No. That's not for me," that thought shakes the foundation of your very being. And even if that person decides to stay and accept all you've got-what if you can't deal with it anymore? What if later on they realize that it really wasn't for them? All these what ifs creep into you're thoughts and your left just saying no. No to love.And this is exactly what C.S. Lewis is saying-he's voicing those fears he's telling you that in order for you not to fear and not be vulnerable just seal your heart up. Just close it off to everything. That it will be safe, and in that dark place it will become hardened, irredeemable. Irredeemable. And so he ends, simply: To love is to be vulnerable.
In first John 4:18-it speaks of that fear. That fear of love that we have. It says:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.

This is where I think C.S. Lewis was referring to God. There is nothing to fear. Because God's love-it's unconditional. It's everlasting. It is not depending on what you have behind those walls-because He has already seen past those walls. He saw where you were wounded, He saw where you fear you will be hurt. He saw you build those walls up, and He wept. He wept for you-and Your broken heart. His love is like the wind-you can't see it but you can feel it. It wraps around You. Wraps around those walls-and is slowly whispering to you to bring them down. To go brick by brick and tear the wall down. He is the God who sees You. His Love is everlasting. When you open your heart to His love-His love that won't hurt you, that will only heal you. That perfect love. It's perfect. Nothing on earth compares with His love. No love. No one. His perfect love covers you-and it drives out your fear.
So there's two choices. Wrap your heart, keep it, hide it-and let it become irredeemable. Or come to the greatest Lover of all. And let HIS perfect love drive out your fear. Open your heart to love. To the REAL LOVE.

Oh Your LOVE is a symphony-all AROUND me. Running through Me.

On a side note-I'm beginning to dislike red backpacks and tall blond men.

Blessed are the pure in heart; for they will see God.
-Matthew 5:8

Purity. What does purity even look like in our lives? I feel like last week, purity-was a recurring theme. Something God wanted me to grasp and experience. Last week at Evensong, all the songs had something to do with purity, and it was emphasized when the leader said, "Remember, purity is not something you have-it's something only God can give you." But what is this purity that will allow us to see God?
As I looked up the definition for purity-I came across with a lot of "freedom from impurity, freedom from guilt, abstinence, innocence, free from taint or pollution," and those are a few of the many definitions. But the word freedom-just surprised me. Freedom is what we all yearn from. How could purity free us?

Purity is not about being sinless before God so you can see Him-but rather it is about desiring to be pure in your thoughts, words and actions. And we can only be made pure through God-through the great Purifier. It's about having those thoughts, word and actions adhere to God. It's about having God be your One and Only-the core of your very being and desire. Then God draws near to you.-and as you set your eyes on Him you are made pure.
I don't know about you, but I just want to be pure. So wholly and perfectly pure for my savior. To please Him. To remove thoughts/hungers for the things I shouldn't hunger and instead desire for God and clearing and cleaning my thoughts and setting Him as the Only thing worth living and having. Because without Him I am truly nothing and I have nothing. But in Him I am made whole-I am made pure, no matter what I've done or who I have become. He can take my thoughts, my mind, my actions and set it up on Him-and reveal Himself to me.
We waste so much of our time thinking of things we shouldn't, doing things we shouldn't-but the beauty of our Savior is that he doesn't condemn us. He has His arms wide open inviting us to take a sip of The Purity we all very much desire. It's not easy. It's hard toil, giving up the things of this world-saying no to our flesh, it takes dedication. But His everlasting Love is there to help us along the way. To carry us out of the pit of sin and into His loving arms where we are made pure through Him.

Psalms 51:9-10

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.