Cuando más Te busco, más Te encuentro. Cuando más Te encuentro, más Te AMO.

This perfect love that drives out fear. Many times, I've been scared. Scared of His love. Scared of the surrender of what He will do. I'm scared He will take my dreams away.
I'm learning to trust in His unfailing perfect love that drives out this fear and to
surrender my dreams-of becoming a doctor, of going to Africa, of being a missionary-to Him. Whatever it is He wants for my life. He knows best. Even if the prospect of what's next shakes my foundations-scares me to the core. I surrender.
ALL I AM TO HIM, FOREVER.
He will lead me. And His perfect Love has driven out my fears.
I melt in His peace.

So let them fall down-there's freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it
to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock
it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in
that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will
change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable
-C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis was a very intelligent man, and here he is talking to those afraid to love, afraid to get hurt-afraid to risk for love. I don't think he was solely referring to the love between two people, I think he was also referring to Love between God and Yourself.
You see, there is something downright frightening about love. The thought that someone will come in and break through the walls that you have been putting up and see everything that's inside-the dirt, the sin, the bad-and the risk that as that person does that they could turn around at any minute and say, "No. That's not for me," that thought shakes the foundation of your very being. And even if that person decides to stay and accept all you've got-what if you can't deal with it anymore? What if later on they realize that it really wasn't for them? All these what ifs creep into you're thoughts and your left just saying no. No to love.And this is exactly what C.S. Lewis is saying-he's voicing those fears he's telling you that in order for you not to fear and not be vulnerable just seal your heart up. Just close it off to everything. That it will be safe, and in that dark place it will become hardened, irredeemable. Irredeemable. And so he ends, simply: To love is to be vulnerable.
In first John 4:18-it speaks of that fear. That fear of love that we have. It says:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.

This is where I think C.S. Lewis was referring to God. There is nothing to fear. Because God's love-it's unconditional. It's everlasting. It is not depending on what you have behind those walls-because He has already seen past those walls. He saw where you were wounded, He saw where you fear you will be hurt. He saw you build those walls up, and He wept. He wept for you-and Your broken heart. His love is like the wind-you can't see it but you can feel it. It wraps around You. Wraps around those walls-and is slowly whispering to you to bring them down. To go brick by brick and tear the wall down. He is the God who sees You. His Love is everlasting. When you open your heart to His love-His love that won't hurt you, that will only heal you. That perfect love. It's perfect. Nothing on earth compares with His love. No love. No one. His perfect love covers you-and it drives out your fear.
So there's two choices. Wrap your heart, keep it, hide it-and let it become irredeemable. Or come to the greatest Lover of all. And let HIS perfect love drive out your fear. Open your heart to love. To the REAL LOVE.

Oh Your LOVE is a symphony-all AROUND me. Running through Me.

On a side note-I'm beginning to dislike red backpacks and tall blond men.

Blessed are the pure in heart; for they will see God.
-Matthew 5:8

Purity. What does purity even look like in our lives? I feel like last week, purity-was a recurring theme. Something God wanted me to grasp and experience. Last week at Evensong, all the songs had something to do with purity, and it was emphasized when the leader said, "Remember, purity is not something you have-it's something only God can give you." But what is this purity that will allow us to see God?
As I looked up the definition for purity-I came across with a lot of "freedom from impurity, freedom from guilt, abstinence, innocence, free from taint or pollution," and those are a few of the many definitions. But the word freedom-just surprised me. Freedom is what we all yearn from. How could purity free us?

Purity is not about being sinless before God so you can see Him-but rather it is about desiring to be pure in your thoughts, words and actions. And we can only be made pure through God-through the great Purifier. It's about having those thoughts, word and actions adhere to God. It's about having God be your One and Only-the core of your very being and desire. Then God draws near to you.-and as you set your eyes on Him you are made pure.
I don't know about you, but I just want to be pure. So wholly and perfectly pure for my savior. To please Him. To remove thoughts/hungers for the things I shouldn't hunger and instead desire for God and clearing and cleaning my thoughts and setting Him as the Only thing worth living and having. Because without Him I am truly nothing and I have nothing. But in Him I am made whole-I am made pure, no matter what I've done or who I have become. He can take my thoughts, my mind, my actions and set it up on Him-and reveal Himself to me.
We waste so much of our time thinking of things we shouldn't, doing things we shouldn't-but the beauty of our Savior is that he doesn't condemn us. He has His arms wide open inviting us to take a sip of The Purity we all very much desire. It's not easy. It's hard toil, giving up the things of this world-saying no to our flesh, it takes dedication. But His everlasting Love is there to help us along the way. To carry us out of the pit of sin and into His loving arms where we are made pure through Him.

Psalms 51:9-10

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

You know what I need-Your Love is strong.

Love is something so powerful. I do believe that love can change the world completely around, I believe it because I've seen it. First of, I should mention that the day of celebrating Love is coming up. But we've got it all wrong. Saint Valentines were people who were martyred in Rome. Many Valentines were martyred for believing in God. For giving up their lives to serve His name. For refusing to conform to the pattern of this world and therefore transforming it in their whole surrender. It was something beautiful, something pure. Something wonderful. I do remember, my AP English teacher talking about Saint Valentine-a man who died for God. It's all gotten pretty skewed right? Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic. My stomach drops when I see chick-flicks, and I wish I could swoon to a dashing man coming to my rescue. Nevertheless, I've seen love-true love-change the world completely around. And so have all of us. It's all around us. Two thousand years ago-a man who was desperately in love-breathtakingly, painstakingly in love died for that very same love. It was the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate gift-Love. He died for Love-and in that process gave Love. Two thousand years ago-a man named Jesus of Nazarene died for you and me. He died for a sinful world. For a world full of selfishness, greed and lust. He died for all the things you do wrong. He died for all the things you keep hidden from everyone-He died so that you wouldn't have to. He died-because He loves You. No matter where you come from, no matter what you did and what you will do, His love for you will never diminish not even one iota. His love for You is endless. He is Love. He is the Love that is spoken of in 1 Cor. 13. He is that Love. His love changed the world forever-It changed our fate, our destiny-our punishment. He did, for us. So on Sunday, February the 14th-I won't beat myself up for being single and "unpursued". Because the Lover of all times-the Ultimate Pursuer is pursuing me. He loves me. More than anyone ever could and more than anyone ever will. But not just me. He loves you too. He loves every inch of you.
Will you let him in?
Will you open yourself up to an unfathomable Love?
Will you care to be pursued?
By the perfect Love that never fails.


[1 Cor. 13: 1-8a]

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

To see the questions in your head. Leave a light on in the dark-to let somebody in.

I can’t help feeling the calling. The calling from

the cabins. From the forests laden with snow. I can hear it.

It’s not a destiny calling-it’s more of

desire calling.

I picture myself being holed up in a lovely house with the man I love.

And just being in love-enjoying the company, and feeling at home. The

half-frozen river that came in and tore the trees apart and covered their roots and

their souls and stayed at its height-frozen in place-calls too. And I see the black and the

green, and your dreams. I see the bike and you and me. Do you know I could live in the country with you

forever? And I just wish it all fit in. But at the same time-I’m only thinking of me,

and my desires. It would be pure bliss, it would be so beautiful. But I don’t think it would be my purpose. So when I ask if there’s anyone who could wait 12 years, what I’m really asking is if there’s anyone who is willing to give up that life. Because if I’m not living for God I’d rather not live at all. And as someone wise said, I rather have God hijack my plans of adventure or of my love. I rather have Him lead me. Whether that leads away or to love. If his perfect love is with me-then the rest just fades in the background.

That I would not lose my way-when I was astray.

Well-this might be late. But I don't care. 2009. Man it was-tough. To say the least. It hurt like never before. It was the worst time ever, the best time ever. It taught me so much. And I also experienced things I never wanted to. It hurt like hell. 2009. Oh wow. I thought I could date. I wanted to-then I realized I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I could fall in love. Soon, to my greatest dismay and to my future self's relief, found out that there was no one to fall in love with. I learned and loved to play guitar, like I never had before. Now it's one of my greatest escape-to play blissfully away praising God. It's the only time I can escape Calvin College-without actually having to leave the country. I grew closer to my best friend-and she became my best friend. I cried in front of my friends. Maybe for the first time ever. I went to college-and man, it was rough. I learned that "independence" and strength are very different things. Nevertheless, it made me truly strong. I loved Godlike no other. And I lost my love for Him. I felt the most alone I've ever felt. Misunderstood. Neglected. I was vulnerable. I was dead wrong. I felt like old dried up bones. I met new people. I was judged-and I learned the power of my own judgement. I got a roommate that is so different from me. And I was blessed by difference.
2009.
Here and gone.
But although it sounds like it was bad, and don't get me wrong, it was. But-strangely, I'm thankful. Thankful mostly to God-for 2009. For EVERYTHING, and I mean everything that happened. You always know better. Even though I lost my way. You were never gone.
To 2010. Wow. That's so weird to write. Here it goes. I'm starting this year off right. With God. Restoring my love for Him. And making it real. Because when you're really in love-no matter what, no matter when-that kind of love doesn't fade. May my love for You never fade. Teach me to rekindle it. To declare. DECLARE. Your word. And your love. Thankyou. You whispered life back into these dried bones-put flesh on them and restored me back to life. Thankyou.

You drink, I'll drive.

Laying it down. That's what I'm doing. Like a wise person told me recently, just lay it down at His feet. Even if I can't feel God around me anymore-even if I can't see His love. He is there-I'm just realizing my deep unsettling need for Him. I've been in college for two months and it's starting to take its toll on me. Finally. At the same time this new feeling has awakened in me-to do what I came here to do. To prove that I'm more than what I look, more than what I say. I am more-than everyone thinks I am. Because even though it's nice to have your parents know and believe that you can do better, I don't want to just slide by. That's not giving praise and honor to God. He gave me my intelligence, he gave me my talents-might as well put them to good use. It's like stuffing away all these colors of fall-and staying in constant fall. Without winter-spring never comes. I'm stuck in fall, and I've been stuck in fall thinking I could skip right into spring. But nevertheless I'm approaching winter. And winter, is just not something I know. So, yes. I am afraid. But I'm trusting. In His Perfect Love-that casts out my fear. So I may not do what everyone else here does. That doesn't make me right. Like Rob Bell said, "There may be right in their 'wrongness', and there may be wrong in my 'rightness'". But I'm trusting-praying for braveness, surrendering. And laying it all down at the feet of the One who rescued me.

Jolene-Ray LaMontagne