To see the questions in your head. Leave a light on in the dark-to let somebody in.

I can’t help feeling the calling. The calling from

the cabins. From the forests laden with snow. I can hear it.

It’s not a destiny calling-it’s more of

desire calling.

I picture myself being holed up in a lovely house with the man I love.

And just being in love-enjoying the company, and feeling at home. The

half-frozen river that came in and tore the trees apart and covered their roots and

their souls and stayed at its height-frozen in place-calls too. And I see the black and the

green, and your dreams. I see the bike and you and me. Do you know I could live in the country with you

forever? And I just wish it all fit in. But at the same time-I’m only thinking of me,

and my desires. It would be pure bliss, it would be so beautiful. But I don’t think it would be my purpose. So when I ask if there’s anyone who could wait 12 years, what I’m really asking is if there’s anyone who is willing to give up that life. Because if I’m not living for God I’d rather not live at all. And as someone wise said, I rather have God hijack my plans of adventure or of my love. I rather have Him lead me. Whether that leads away or to love. If his perfect love is with me-then the rest just fades in the background.

That I would not lose my way-when I was astray.

Well-this might be late. But I don't care. 2009. Man it was-tough. To say the least. It hurt like never before. It was the worst time ever, the best time ever. It taught me so much. And I also experienced things I never wanted to. It hurt like hell. 2009. Oh wow. I thought I could date. I wanted to-then I realized I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I could fall in love. Soon, to my greatest dismay and to my future self's relief, found out that there was no one to fall in love with. I learned and loved to play guitar, like I never had before. Now it's one of my greatest escape-to play blissfully away praising God. It's the only time I can escape Calvin College-without actually having to leave the country. I grew closer to my best friend-and she became my best friend. I cried in front of my friends. Maybe for the first time ever. I went to college-and man, it was rough. I learned that "independence" and strength are very different things. Nevertheless, it made me truly strong. I loved Godlike no other. And I lost my love for Him. I felt the most alone I've ever felt. Misunderstood. Neglected. I was vulnerable. I was dead wrong. I felt like old dried up bones. I met new people. I was judged-and I learned the power of my own judgement. I got a roommate that is so different from me. And I was blessed by difference.
2009.
Here and gone.
But although it sounds like it was bad, and don't get me wrong, it was. But-strangely, I'm thankful. Thankful mostly to God-for 2009. For EVERYTHING, and I mean everything that happened. You always know better. Even though I lost my way. You were never gone.
To 2010. Wow. That's so weird to write. Here it goes. I'm starting this year off right. With God. Restoring my love for Him. And making it real. Because when you're really in love-no matter what, no matter when-that kind of love doesn't fade. May my love for You never fade. Teach me to rekindle it. To declare. DECLARE. Your word. And your love. Thankyou. You whispered life back into these dried bones-put flesh on them and restored me back to life. Thankyou.